Episode 5 - Loids are not Jesus

From FaBWiki

Loids are not Jesus is the 5th episode of Loids Are Not Christmas.

Original Brodcast Date-September 12th 2008

Runtime-20:53

Cast

Script

IN PROGRESS

Ben: (quickly) Loids are not Christmas episode five not one. [Mother start music plays]

Narrator: Last week, on Loids are not Christmas... I mean last time, not last week... Actually last week Loid didn’t... They prayed and-AAY, it doesn’t matter, that didn’t happen until later, um *sucks in*. Anyway, um, last week Loid was Ana, they got on a train and did a dance, and then went to a haunted house. Find out what happens this week on... [FaB theme plays]

Ninten: *hums to the music for a few notes*

Martin: *mumbles*... French.

Most: Loids are not Christmas!

Martin: And it says...

Ninten: I was supposed to say that as well.

[Train music plays] Loid: Hi, guys.

Ninten: OK...

Ana: Alright, um... so.

Ninten: I think that we’re on the train.

Loid: Yeah I like trains.

Ana: Yeah I think so too... Yeah, uh...

Ninten: Oh Ana I forgot you’re here because I’m not used to traveling with women.

Ana: Oh, um, yeah I’m here. *mumbles* Here for an hour...

Loid: What do you mean Ninten, I’ve been here the whole time!

Ninten: ...I’m sorry. I sleep very quickly, because I have Insomnia, was prescribed by doctor as my disease. Can we hurry up and get over with the where we’re going.

[Desert music]

Loid: Hey guys, we’re in the desert.

Ana: Yep, it’s hot...

Loid: Hey, this is the same music from EarthBound!

Ana: See I don’t know what you’re talking about this part in.

Ninten: Yeah.

Loid: Oh hey, there’s a guy with a tank! HI.

Tank man: Hey there kids. How ya doin’?

Loid: I’m doin’...

Ninten: Better then you are, assuming that you are not as old as I am because at my age I have grown to the wisdom to know everything.

Tank man:...That’s very good, now how bout you be in the war?

Loid:...the war?

Ana: *mumbles*

Tank man: The war. THE WARRR.

[Music changes to plane music for a few seconds, then back to desert music]

Loid: *singing* Sometimes, people make...

Ana: Okay, no.

Loid: Oh.

Tank man: Like you see kids, I’m offering you a chance to ride in a airplane, a military airplane. You just gotta pay me.

Ana: Not a ting...

Loid: *gasp* Military airplane does it have like bombs?

Tank Man: The plane does not have bombs. The tank does...

Ana: Is there food on the flight, or what.

Tank man: There is no food.

Ninten: So, we’re going to ride in a flying tank.

Loid: Let’s get on the tank, and fly...

Ana: OK, *breathes out*.

Tank man: Pay me first.

Ninten, Ana: *mumble*

[plane music plays] Loid: NO!

Ninten: I think I’m stuck inside an Atari game machine...

Loid: We’re flying on the tank!

Tank man: YOU LITTLE KIDS, COME BACK WITH MY AIRPLANE!

Loid: Noooooo...!

Ana: Oh, uhhh.

Ninten: I’m confused as to why we were offered to ride, and then now we are stealing the vehicle.

Loid: Because!

Tank man: You little kids...

Ninten:I’m also thinking maybe I’m blind.

Loid: ...No.

Ana: Umm. Hmm.

Loid: So wait, does anyone know how to fly?

Ana: Uh.

Ninten: Um. I think Paula does, but this is the wrong series so maybe that Ana can also fly a tank but she would crash like that episode which was like, 32? Or something?

Loid: Alright, I think I may trap a corner..

Ana: I can try, but where we supposed to be going?

Loid: I dunno! Just fly around in a circle.

Ana: No I can’t it’s just to uh... OK.

Ninten: Why don’t you fly into the next thing on the list "singing cactus".

Ana: Alright.

Ninten: I’m assuming that’s to the north-west, based on my superior directional skills...

Ana: OK OK I got it Ninten, it’s right there. Alright. We're landin'. [desert music plays]

Loid: Hey, this is like a cactus.

Ana: It, yeah..

Ninten: I'm predicting the future... I am Miss Cleo.

Loid: ...what?

Ana: I remember her.

Ninten: Technically you shouldn't because this game came out in the eighties but okay.

Cactus: *GASP* That is the codeword: EIGHTIES. I am the singing cactus. And now I'll sing my song for you.

Ninten: The codeword was actually hair metal but eighties will suffice.

Cactus:It was actually Bear Metal Family but you know... whatever. *breathes in*

(5th melody sung "dewp, dewp, dewp DEWWWP")

(Desert music starts playing again)

Ana: Uhmm, I'm pretty sure god Didn't create any singing cactuses.

Cactus: He did, and I am one of them.

Ana: OK. Alright.

Cactus: Goodbye.

Ninten: That's good enough for me, honestly. If you tell me and you are the one singing and you are the cactus and you are talking there really is no reason for me to have any disbelief in my mind whatsoever.

Loid: I know... WAIT. No, never mind.

Ana: Loid... Come on.

Loid: Who's Loid?

Ana: I mean whatever. Alright, so, the cactus sang for us, now what are we supposed to do?

Loid: LET'S GET ON THE TANK!

(Plane music plays)

Ana: O-OK.

Ninten: That was a very fast decision. I think we could have sat down and thought about this thing as a group.

Ana: I do too, we're supposed to be a team...

Loid: Nope.

Ninten: There is no "I" in team, but there is a "me" and I want me to be part of the decision process. Dang it.

Loid: Oh, hey there's the guy again! Let's land.

Ana: O..K.

(Desert music)

Loid: Hey guy.

Ninten: Who's landing this thing?

Tank Man: Kids, you took the airplane... YOU TOOK THE AIRPLANE. *sigh*

Loid: No we didn't.

Ana: Uh, wait, didn't you fly through it? *giggle*

Tank Man: Yes you did.

Loid: No, we flew it!

Tank Man: OK, fine fine, you're just children. I'll let it go this time, but if you do it again, I'm sending you to the war.

Loid: What?

Ana: Can we do it again?

Ninten: Can't we just go to the war?

Loid: Oh yeah, let's go to the war!

Tank Man: Yes you kids can go to the war...

(plane music)

Ninten: We're in the war- what the heck is going on.

Ana: *slurred mumble* are we in the airplane again?

Loid: Uh-huh.

ANa: Oh, ok.

Ninten: I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the seat, for god's sake someone help me out.

Ana: That's- that's a seatbelt, Ninten.

Loid: I have a feeling that we rode this plane nine times...

Ana: It felt like nine times...

Loid: Hey, let's land.

Ana: Ok.

(Desert music)

Ninten: Sure why not, we are capable of landing something that is flying in a split second for some odd reason, good lord! This is technology far that is far advanced beyond the eighties which is where we are.

Loid: Ohh.

Ana: Uh, ok.

Loid: Hey guy, uhh can we... take the other tank?

Tank Man: Fine, if you break it, you buy it, got that.

Loid: OK!

(Tank music plays)

Ana: Uh, OK. We'll be careful.

Ninten: I'm under the assumption this is the same man that we just stole a vehicle from and now he is letting us borrow something else.

Lod: Duh!

Ana: Hmm.

Loid: Oh man, this is my jam!

Ana: *gasp* Oh my god, you guys, is that a robot?

Loid: *gasp*...

(Hippe music plays) Loid: No, it's a hippie!

Ana: It's a hippie robot! (Wally music plays)

Loid: THAT'S A ROBUH- no that's a dog! Hold on. Hoold oon.

Ana: Uh, k.

Loid: Hooold on.

(Tank music plays)

Ninten: Loid has the magical ability to create music out of thin air (poweful enemy music plays) but he can never make his mind up on what to do.

Loid: It is a robot!

Ana: I- I thought so, I thought it was, I told you..

Ninten: Do you have any Willie Nelson, Loid?

Loid: Noo, we have robot music though, IT'S A ROBOT!

Ana: Wait, do we have weapons?

Loid: Uhhhh...

Tank man: Kids, I forgot to tell you!

Ninten: I have my pants!

Tank man: Kids, shoot it! Shoot that thing down!

Ana:Uh, I don't think-

Tank Man: It's a communist!

Ninten: I will shoot, my er hand

Loid: A communist? A communist?!

Tank man: It's a communist robot!

Ana: Alright then, leave your hand on it...

Loid: *long breathe in*

Ninten: I am like Geno from Super Mario RPG in the sense I can fire off my hands like rockets well actually I can't do that but if I could I would because then I could also use the expression with my hand one more time in this episode like I have done in the past four.

Loid: Alright, just do it!

(Phone ringing noise) Ninten: Boom.

Ana: Was that it?

(desert music)

Loid: Yeah.

Ana: That was... kind of lame.

Loid: Oh, we killed it.

Ana: OK, whatever.

Tank Man: *heavy breathing* Hurghhh.. YOU KIDS! YOU BROKE THE TANK.

Ana: *unintelligible*

Loid: Does that mean we have to buy it?

Tank man: Yes, that means you have to buy it.

Loid: Well, that actually means we have to go down this cave and avoid you. Bye!

Ana: OK bye.

Tankman: NOOO.

(island music plays)

Ninten: Why does Loid know everything we're supposed to do?

Loid: Cuz...

Ana: I dunno, he must be smart..

Loid: I'm smart.

Ninten: I'm having the strange assumption Loid may be associated with Jesus...

Loid: But I'm the only one that goes to school.

Ana: (at Ninten) You shouldn't even joke about stuff like that, ok?

Loid: Oh no..

Ana: C'mon.

Monkey: KEE KOW KOW KA KEE KOW KOW

Ninten: We-wh whuhuh.

Loid: Oh my god. It's Justin Timberlake!

Monkey: KOW KOW

Ana: It's, uh, a bunch of monkeys..

Ninten: Oh god, it's me.

Monkey: Kee kow kow!

Loid: Uhhh.

Ninten: Yes?

Loid: Hii?

Ninten: Don't worry, I speak monkey.

Monkey: Kee ki.

Ninten: He's asking us to get Timmy from the well.

Ana: Who?

Monkey: Kee kow kow!

Ninten: Maybe he's saying he's feeling swell, can't quite, I can't quite grasp it...

Ana: Oh, whatever.

Monkey: KEE KEE KEE KOW KOW KOWWW! KI! KOW!

Loid: Ki ki ko ko koko.

Monkey: KO KO KO KO!

Loid: Ki ki ki ko?

Ninten: I, I've- Maybe the best thing to do would just be shout at the monkey very loudly until he complies with our request to bring us mass amounts of bananas to storm the base with a banana bomb.

Monkey: KO KO!

Loid: Ohh.

Ana: Alright, instead of that-

Ninten: It just occured to me that I should be on prescription medication.
This aboxyscillin (kind of drug?) is just not powerful enough for my small, little whatever-year old mind I am-

Loid: OOOKAAAY *slurred talking*

Ninten: Oh in banana watching you yell and scream and laugh at me, you make me feel very inferior to your mind- please don't do that, the monkey is screaming- what the heck is going on?

Loid: What are we doing we need to go somewhere

Ninten: So now my father is sleeping through all of this.

Loid: *yawn* what? You carry around a cellphone?

Ana: Let's just look at the- Loid.

Loid: What?

(Youngtown music)

Ana: We need to just let you talk, okay?

Loid: Okay, we're outside.

Ana: ...wait a minute, where are we now?

Loid: Um... I don't know.

Ana: This isn't the desert!

Loid: ...what? YNOOOOOOOO!

(Desert music)

Ana: That's better.

Loid: What did we even do in that cave?

Ana: I don't know.

Loid: Crap!

Ninten: I got drunk, that's what happened.

Ana: Actually-

Ninten: And I know one thing- there will be no more vodka for any of us because I know what it does to you, Loid. No more driving the car.

Loid: Oh wait, I know what we have to do! Let's go back, guys. Uhhhhhhhhh okay!

(island music)

Ana: We're back in the cave-

Loid: C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon...

Ana: Yeah.

Loid: SEE?! Ninten! Why aren't you the leader?... see?

Ninten: I am a leader, and Leder will show up again in Mother 3.

Monkey: Kee ko ko ko ko kow, KI!

Ana: We've been through this.

Loid: OKAY, okay okay okay. Look! Ninten! The monkey just said that there is- there is a shell over there.

Monkey: KIKOKO!

Loid: That means-

Ninten: Well, I'm glad that there's a shell. Call Mario, get him to kill a Koopa. What do you want me to do about it-

Loid: It's a seashell, you idiot. It's a... ticket to... Magicant or something- I don't even know what that is- Why do I know what that is? Crap.

Ana: Uh, is that like, Heaven?

Loid: Uh, maybe.

Ana: All right, uh, I guess we should go.

Loid: Let's go, Ninten. Do the thing.

Ana: And Ana.

Loid: I mean, An... umm, wait, of course I'm already going!

Ana: No- Never mind...

Ninten: Loid, I'm really sorry to break it to you, but because you're wearing a hat with the name embroidered "Ana" on it- it does not make your name Ana. Nor is my name actually Levi- I said that last episode to make you feel inferior.

Ana: Finally, somebody knows what I'm talking about.

Loid: *begins sobbing*

Ninten: Loid, there is no point in crying, no one can see you cry.

Loid: *crying* Let's just go to the seashell already!!

Ana: *muffled talking*

Loid: Let's go to the seashell Ninteeeeen!

Ninten: I'm going to walk over there with my legs.

(Magicant music, Loid is softly sobbing)

Ninten: Oh my god, the wells.

Loid: The wells, what wells are you talking about Ninten?

Ninten: This music makes me think back to the times when my mother beat me with a well.

Loid: Oh, okay! Let's go find the- I mean, let's go do whatever we're supposed to do.

Ana: But, what are we supposed to do?

Ninten: What is it we are supposed to do?

Loid: Why don't you just... just assume what we're supposed to do?

Ninten: I assume we supposed to walk around until some lady walks up to us with some kind of map and says, "You obviously know what you're supposed to do," and she takes a hi-liter and marks a place on it and we read it and it says "Indiana". Or was that from another series? Cause now I can't remember, Loid. You're gonna make me cry right here in front of the studio audience, Loid.

Loid: Let's go down the wells.

Ana: Okay...

Loid: Crap, that's not the right well.

Ana: Oh.

Ninten: Why don't you ask Ana because she seems like the only one in your group who seems to have any brains in her head.

Ana: Well, okay. Number 1: It's not really a good idea or ecologically responsible to go down a well EVER, but since we're in Heaven or something, I think we should try this well.

Ninten: Who told Itoi there were wells in Heaven- he's not supposed to know that yet unless he's dead.

Ana: God works in mysterious ways, Ninten.

(Underground music)

Ninten: God is well with my soul. DO YOU GET THE PUN, GUYS?

Ana: I get it, hehe.

Loid: What?

Ana: Never mind.

Loid: *gasp* A dragon!

• sighs*

Loid: In a dungeon. Haha, get it?

Ana: I get it, hehehehe.

Loid: Wait, you're not supposed to laugh, you're supposed to hate that, cause you're Christian.

Ana: I mean, I mean, that's against Corinthians 25.

Loid: I don't think that's-

Ninten: I'm pretty sure there's not that many chapters in Corinthians and also you didn't specify whether it was first or second. But I will forgive you Ana even though my knowledge of the Bible is greater than you and you are a Churchgoing little girl.

Loid: Hey dragon!

Ana: Just kill the stupid thing.

Loid: Dragon?
Dragon that's name is lewahi!

Dragon: I'm asleep.

Loid: Why?

Ana: Well, be asleep louder!

Ninten: I can wake it up with my hand because my hand can talk.

Loid: Go for it.

Ninten: Maybe it can. I don't know, let's find out. Apparently it can't. I'm sorry, I must have made that up.

Ana: But we can't leave without killing the dragon!

Loid: Let's but on the battle music, maybe that'll tick it off or something.

(Tough battle music)

Ana: Okay.

Ninten: Maybe the dragon is awake enough to tell us how to fully awaken him, because we certainly do not know how.

Dragon: Sigh, you were supposed to get to level 25, but you didn't, and you woke me up, and I'm going to kill all of you!

Loid: Ahahahahahaha! No you're not.

Ana: That wasn't funny, Loid, he's going to kill us!

Loid: Dude, I have like a level 36 Warrior. Idiot.

Dragon: I am going to LIGHT YOU ON FIRE!

Loid: *weakly* Oh.

Ana: Wait, you're a dragon, and you have to light us on fire? Can't you just breathe fire?

Dragon: I'm a retarded dragon.

Ninten: That must be my cousin. (?)

Loid: Hey dragon!

Dragon: What?

Loid: STAB!

(game over music)

Dragon: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Ana: Eww.

Loid: That was fun.

Ninten: I love how we play game over music for the enemies as if they are the ones in charge.

Loid: Well, we're giving him his moment-

Ana: All of God's creatures are equal, Ninten.

Loid: Yeah.

Ana: All of them! Even i- uhh, imaginary creatures like dragons. You know?

Dragon: You kids beat me. I'll sing you a song, as long as you don't kill me.

Ana: Uhhh...

Loid: I think it's too late.

Ninten: Pretty- yeah, I'm pretty sure you're already dead, but, go ahead.

Dragon: You can't kill me. I can never die.

Ana: Nah, I'm sure you can

Ninten: Yes you can, afar. (?)

Ana: You're dying. You're dying, honey. You're... you're going.

Loid: Wait, if you die in heaven, what does that mean?

Ninten: You've never called me honey, Ana.

Ana: No, I was talking to the dragon.

Ninten: I know, but why don't, why don't you call- call me honey?

Ana: Oh, I, umm, Ninten, I mean, well...

Loid: Didn't we meet her today?

Ana: Yeah, it's only been like, two hours.

Ninten: I LIKE TO MOVE FAST.

Ana: Well, you need to just give me my space.

Loid: Dragon, are you supposed to be doing something?

Dragon: I'm waiting for you kids to stop arguing, but I'll sing you the song right now.

...I forget the song.

Ana: Go ahead, come on.

Dragon: Give me a moment.

Loid: Wait, hold on, okay.

(Music stops.)

Loid: Let me teach you the song, okay. You're gonna sing it back, okay?

Dragon: Okay.

(Loid sings the sixth melody.)

Dragon: Oh, yeah, I got that.

(Game over music)
(The Dragon sings the sixth melody.)

Loid: You were flat.

Ninten: Well, why- is it strange at all that the Dragon was going to teach us the song, but then forgot the song but then Loid miraculously knew the song and taught it to the dragon which taught it to us back and no one suspects Loid of being Jesus.

Dragon: Wait a minute, Loid? Dude, I knew you back from, like, Pre-K!

Loid: Oh, crap!

(Chaos Theater)

Jimmy: *yawns* Oh, hey, where'd those kids go? Also, I'm a janitor... because this is a radio show and you can't see me but I have a broom. And, um... there's a lot of trash on the floor here... but I'm sweeping it up. Maybe those kids will come back! But, they won't.

Boss: Hey, Jimmy Jone?

Jimmy: Yeah, boss?

Boss: You're fired.

Jimmy: Aw, shucks.

(Ending theme)

Notes/References

The line "Ninten: So now my father is sleeping through all of this." is a reference to the fact Stephen recorded this episode in a hotel room that he shared with his parents. They were both present for the recording, but had fallen asleep before the show was over.

When Ninten mentions Indiana, he's actually predicting the future (Ben would move to Indiana from Virginia only a few months later).

Banana bombs are a reference to the Worms series.

Willie Nelson is a common joke between Ben and Stephen, and has managed to find it's way into FaB and LanC on more than one occasion.

At one point in this episode, Loid begins to sing "Stop The War" by Speak.

When Ninten says "oh god, it's me" to the monkey, it's referring to the fact that the same voice actor for Ninten (Stephen) also played the monkeys in Fobbies are Borange.

Ninten frequently hates wells in the series because his voice actor claims he played a ROM of mother where none of the wells worked apparently, forcing him to wander aimlessly through Magicant for hours.